Every No is a Yes to Something Else

setting boundaries is hard...but also kind of amazing?

Photo by Maria on Unsplash

I’ve been saying “no” a lot lately. Opting out. Quietly passing. Under-committing vs. over-committing. And it feels good. Kinda like the opposite of FOMO.

I’ve been declining invitations—even to things I enjoy, like girls nights out, author readings, literary festivals and coffee dates. I’ve been opting out of these potential plans graciously but more and more steadily, as I know how easy it is to start saying yes! yes! yes! to every opportunity that floats my way, and to quickly become a stranger to my desk and my goals. In short, I know how easily showing up for everything and everyone else, can lead me to abandoning myself and the momentum I’ve worked hard to build and protect. When in doubt, “maybe” or “please don’t plan around me” has become my default RSVP.

It’s shaping up to be a very busy fall with a lot of balls in the air, that is requiring me to be somewhat of an expert in personal time management (spoiler alert: I am very much not an expert at this).

I am in the midst of a messy (is there any other kind?) process of revising a novel and hopefully getting it off to some beta readers next month. Novels are big beastly things and it turns out they don’t write themselves. It takes A LOT of discipline and resisting the temptation to spend my time in other ways, to reach the finish line of the lofty goals I continue to set for myself. To set a boundary around one of the biggest temptation rabbit holes of all—the cell phone—I often put mine out of sight or in another room entirely when I need to stay focused on a task.

In addition to making progress with my own work, I take being a ‘good literary citizen’ seriously. None of us can do it all, of course (which I wrote about here), but it is important to me to do what I can. That said— I plan to read and critique full manuscripts from several of my writer friends this fall, in a sort of ‘swap’ as they read mine. It is part of the currency of being a rising author…trading favors and giving generously of our time to others, knowing it is priceless when they do the same for us. I never take any of it lightly. I am also quick to say no when my plate is full, however. Because again—can’t do it all.

When it comes to setting boundaries around how I spend my time, I’m also finding that my social stamina is simply not what it used to be. I love being home and it takes a lot to pull me out the house, particularly post-6pm. I don’t have the same energy I used to for spontaneous meetups or hosting dinners, or filling every blank square on my calendar. In fact, I LOVE a blank square. What a rare treat!

(A favorite pencil of mine)

These days I’m more likely to buy pumpkins or Christmas trees from a local grocery store, than I am to commit to a half day’s rural excursion, as I would have insisted on doing just a few years ago. I still make time for social, adventurous things, but I find that my yeses are less automatic and more spread out. I’m more picky. And nine out of ten times when I do say no, I don’t regret staying home. I’m developing a better sense of how I want to spend my days and how full I want my calendar to be. I am finding my rhythms, and finding that process takes constant mindfulness.

With fall in full swing and my kids back to school, I am soaking up my quiet house and the ability to be selfish with my time. I never take this privilege lightly! I am so eager to build good routines and make steady progress on my writing goals. I know the daily habits that make me feel healthy and balanced—like fitting in time to read and write, taking walks, and eating well.

Prioritizing my routine means—inevitably—that there are things I am NOT doing. I’m not volunteering at my kids’ school as much as I have in past years. I’m not going to many events. I’m making most of my meals and coffee at home, minimizing and consolidating my personal appointments. I’m not writing this Substack as often as I thought I would, and I could always have a cleaner house, but have learned to leave most heavy chores to the weekends.

Another thing our family has been taking a break from is extracurricular activities for our kids. It has felt like a natural season for both of my boys to take a break as they are each adjusting to new school years that hold new challenges for each of them. The break won’t be forever, but for now it is freeing up more of their time—and mine—and is another thing I’m finding myself feeling grateful we’ve temporarily opted out of.

As mindful as I’m trying to be—of course, I’m not a robot. I’ll have bursts of spontaneity and unproductive days, and days that go entirely sideways despite my best-laid plans. But my priority lately has been building up the boundary muscle, if you will. Boundaries around my time, around my routines, around the energy and influences I’m letting in, and the unhelpful noises I’m drowning out. I’m a big believer in checking in with myself regularly and trying to honor what I need. I find that my most fruitful relationships are with people who are doing the same—finding their own healthy rhythms and protecting their peace. These people tend to be easy to be around. I find the more I honor myself and stick to my goals during my work days, the more present I am with my family and friends during evenings and weekends, when it’s time to pull away from my desk to cook, enjoy a meal together, or just hang out.

I’d love to know—what is a boundary you’ve set (or are working to set) to protect your peace/productivity/how you spend your time? I’m SO interested in hearing, that I’m rewarding a favorite answer with a book giveaway (see below!).

WHAT I’M READING:

I was lucky to receive an ARC (advance reader copy) of Hate Follow by debut novelist and longtime magazine editor, Erin Quinn-Kong. Rotating chapters between a wealthy influencer mom and her resentful teenage daughter, it explores modern parenting in the social media age, and asks how much privacy we owe to our children when it comes to how we share our lives online. Pick this one up for your next buddy read or book club discussion—available October 8th!

WHAT I’M LISTENING TO:

I recently put a call out for some new writing-centered podcast recs, and Instagram delivered! Among the new-to-me podcasts I’ve been listening to is Books, Beach and Beyond, cohosted by author Elin Hilderbrand. This recent episode with Liane Moriarty was a lot of fun! I also really enjoyed the episode featuring CNN anchor (and novelist!) Jake Tapper.

WHAT I’M COOKING:

To usher in fall, I took a (actual, physical) page from the October issue of Real Simple magazine and made this delicious pasta with tart green apples, caramelized onions, fresh thyme and sausage. Perfect for a lazy weekend when you have plenty of time to let the onions cook down, and want your home to smell divine.

I am very much that person who still rips recipes from magazines. I can’t find this one online yet, but here you go!

GIVEAWAY!!

I wound up with an extra copy of one of this year’s hottest reads, The God of the Woods by Liz Moore. As a thank-you for reading, I’d love to ship this book plus one of my favorite letterpress bookmarks to one lucky subscriber. (US only for shipping purposes…sorry international friends!). To be considered, please comment below with one way you’re setting a healthy boundary in your life.

As always, thank you for reading, and wishing you a happy, healthy, and productive fall season.

Xo,

Beth